FLR and Me……and Her

Just some further thoughts on this subject

I’ve been reading alot lately. Not normal for me, but I’m trying to grow.

FLR is a subject I’m very interested in. It started as a sexual fantasy. Like most men, I think. I feel I have submissive tendencies. I’ve done some exploration of what it means to be submissive. My research in that area has been very eye opening to me. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I would. One thing I’m learning is that for a submissive man, that submission is deeply personal. So much so, that some submissives will argue that their view of submission is more correct than anyone else’s. To the point of looking unfavorably at another’s ideas about the subject. These subs are usually in a long term FLR. Their dynamic has been very successful for them for a long period of time.

These feelings are perfectly understandable. Given that their goal in the relationship has been achieved. They have found the happiness and contentment that I think everyone searches for in any relationship.

What my observations as a relative outsider to the lifestyle have shown me is that all subs, whether Male or female, have to find that level of submission that satisfies them. I recently read an article about the 4 levels of FLR’s. From very light to total control of all aspects of a subs life. It is a very interesting tead, and very well written. I would only add that I think most FLRs probably could encompass all 4 levels in one. I know my ideal FLR would definatly. I was exposed to FLR by exploring Female Domination thru porn. As a self described sub, I’m aroused by the idea of a strong woman taking control of me sexually and using me. That power exchange is what got me interested in FLR. As I try to move forward in life, I’ve come to realize that I need to find an outlet for those urges in my next relationship. That journey has been one filled with hard lessons. One of the first is that even if you find a Domme, if all aspects of that relationship don’t work for you, you cannot force it. It’s not fair to you or Her. I’ve learned the hard way that my ideal Domme is not just about bondage or discipline. Actually, that’s probably the smallest part of what I need from an FLR.

My ideal Domme would be more of a soul mate. She would be someone I connect with on a deeper level, both intellectually and romantically. We would be a loving couple first. That love would be supported by mutual respect and trust. The idea of servitude to me is not about a Master/slave mindset as much as a devoted partner. To me, my submission is more about the fact that I respect her enough to differ to her judgement. To take her direction not as a command to be followed but as a wish to be fulfilled. If i don’t live up to her expectations, my disappointment in myself would far outway any punishment that would be meted. Through my love and devotion, I would strive to please her with all my efforts. Her happiness makes my heart swell, her dissapointment is crushing. All the while she would be feeling the same for me. She would know what I needed to be happy and she would be just as interested in meeting my needs. To put her needs first doesn’t seem like submission to me. When you truly love someone, isn’t their happiness one of your highest priorities?

I’ve also learned that a successful FLR will often times involve some kind of contract.

Coming from the perspective of a failed marriage, I find this aspect very compelling. Ive taken the opportunity to read thru a few of these. Some are very strict. Very much as they are billed, a slave contract. They lay down the rules of sometimes very oppressive servitude. Others are less stringent. Still others are way more relaxed and less narrowly focused. The one common thread is that they are all a written, formal agreement between both the Domme and her sub. These will always, regardless of intensity, lay out very clear expectations about behavior and limits from both the Domme and the sub. Some are structured around every aspect of a subs servitude as it relates to the Domme. From how they dress, when they dress, how they interact with the Domme, how and when they eat…. You get the jist. Basically they dictate all aspects of a subs very existence. A slave contract. They will include the Dommes responsibility’s also, mostly how She will discipline and correct her slave.

At the heart it’s a mutual agreement between both sides. As I learn more, I can’t help but relate this to my marriage. It’s a part I just didn’t get at the time. It seems so clear now, but our vows should have been our contract. In hindsight maybe we should have put more thought into it. I can say for sure, learning about this aspect of an FLR, really has made me see the mistakes I know were made . Without clearly agreed upon roles in the marriage dynamic, what we had was chaos. It was destined to break down at some point. There’s no way to know if anything could have help save it. None of this works without a willingness by both party’s to accept those roles and support each other in them.

Whether a marriage or a FLR, the same is true. With a contract in an FLR, these ideas are out in the open, where they should be. Nothing is implied. In almost all BDSM relationships a contract is of paramount importance. It can be the only thing that defines the parameters of the relationship. Whether it’s the activity’s and scope or at the least to protect limits and boundary’s. Without that agreed upon set of guidelines, chaos.

I’m not sure what that contract might entail for me. But I do know that it should define both roles and their boundary’s. Think about how you approach your job. We all have responsibility’s and limits to those responsibility’s. Even an owner doesn’t take out the trash. He delegates that responsibility. Now, he makes sure to have a big enough cart, a clear path to the dumpster, and that the person taking out the trash is thanked and over time rewarded for a good job(or he should). But at the same time, if that person leaves a trail of garbage, doesn’t put the carts back or complains constantly, there should be corrective measures. That’s called accountability, and it applies to both party’s. From a subs perspective, I would want to know what my Domme expects from me. Not so much about specific tasks per day, but what responsibility’s She expects me to have. And in return, as a Domme I would want the same. Clearly defined roles, within the overall structure of any relationship can only help lead to success. I look forward to this aspect of a FLR. Mainly because I’ve always found it hard to talk to a partner about what is expected from both of us. I know in my marriage, I would not have known where to begin. And I must confess, I still don’t. I’m hoping that when the time comes my Domme will give me guidance in this. And I believe it should come from my Domme, as part of my submission I feel any contract should come from Her. Obviously, it will be a mutual agreement that works for both of us. But it must start from her perspective. After all, by definition, She is the alpha.

As a sub, I accept and trust that Her knowledge of my strengths, weaknesses, and desires will inform her of how best to structure said contract. As a Domme, She trusts that her guidance will help me be the best person that I can be. The best sub I can be. This assumes that the relationship has been given proper time to develop to this point. I can’t see this happening right away. It’s not practical. When both roles are defined both party’s can focus on the actual pleasing of each other, not guessing about how.

I’ve found in my research that most self identified Dommes seeking FLR are very up front about the contract. A lot of Pro-Dommes also use them. It’s just good practice.

Well, that’s it for today.

Thx for makin it this far.


10 thoughts on “FLR and Me……and Her

  1. I hope you don’t mind but I thought your comments on a fellow blogger’s post intriguing. So I looked up your page and have read some of your posts. This one in particular, as I am fairly new in the FLR lifestyle. I have a male submissive and he is new as a sub as well. I’ve been in the LS for 16 years primarily as a submissive myself. The contracts you reference are indeed a great foundation to your dynamic along with trust of course. It simplifies so many things that we may not think about or even address in a vanilla relationship. Ours if fairly simple for now, as we learn and grow more together it will indeed change.
    Just food for thought… and btw I love me some bondage and denial but blegh on brussel sprouts! Lol


    1. Thx for the comment. I haven’t entered into a contract yet. But I look forward to it some day. I was struck by how such a simple concept could be applied in principal to any relationship. I’ve had a couple epic failures in my life. I can’t say for sure if it would have changed the outcome, but I never thought of D/s as anything but an alternate lifestyle. I’ve come to see D/s, or FLR, as a much more normal type of relationship. No more porn stigma. It’s such a good feeling to see my viewpoint as much more like a regular thing than as a deviant thing. I love growing! And you’ve never had my sprouts! I think I could change your mind!


  2. Good luck on your future endeavors. I understand the epic failure thing. Failed marriage and long term relationship here. They both actually taught me a lot about myself. It is much easier said than done, but knowing what you -don’t- want and loving yourself first is what has helped me the most. Learning what I do want came with great D/s relationships. Like everyone has said, don’t rush into it. You will find the right person and it will just click, and feel so right. In regards to FLR, just be cautious on what you take in…it can go very extreme rather quickly. I have a loving FLR, yes I use denial and orgasm control but it is not the most important thing. Knowing he is happy, cared for and loved is primary for us. Each relationship will be different as we are all so. So keep reading and growing, you can never go wrong there!!
    I could possibly be swayed on the sprouts as recently I was swayed on ocra, so in the spirit of keeping an open mind…challenge accepted! lol
    Take care. -J.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thx for the great advice. The journey so far has been very educational. My limited experience has been mostly good, however there have been low points to be sure. I consider myself very fortunate to have met a friend who is very much into the loving and nurturing side of FLR. And she has made sure that I am always reading and seeking out new information and viewpoints. We are very far from each other geographically, this actually ensures we move slowly and methodically. I can’t say it will definitely work out, but the getting path so far has been good. I’ve never had ocra, but I’ll try if you will!
      Enjoy, and thx again!

      Liked by 1 person

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